Crossroads - Another Day In Time.

 Another day in time. So, here I am again, it would seem at a crossroads in my life. To some, however, whose lives are consumed by the harsh reality of conflict, whether that be because they reside in a war zone, or because they have a very real battle within themselves, my struggle to them may seem miniscule. In fact I would have no argument with them. What I would say though, is that a struggle is a struggle to whoever is experiencing it. Indeed, it is as real as the words you see in front of you now. This I believe is why the world and each experience we go through in it is so unique and complex. No two people are the same. Even if I were to witness the same sequence of events as you, I would say that our own experience of the event would be very different. We are as unique as a diamond. We are Gods jewels and I believe he truly delights in each and every one of us. Despite our own failings and self-doubt. I am speaking more about my own lack of self-belief and failings here. Although I would imagine that you can no doubt relate in some way to what I am saying.

Now, onto the crossroads for me right now. Back in February 2020 I left full time employment after 11 years with the same employer. I left due to ongoing health issues. It was starting to become apparent to me and my employer that these health problems were not an overnight issue or were likely to see any acceptable resolution in the foreseeable future. I took the very difficult decision to tender my resignation. The reason behind this decision was mainly due to the fact that an absence hearing was going to be convened with the head of service. To give you some context into why I tendered my resignation, rather than attend the hearing, and await the outcome is simple. Many years previously, I attended a similar hearing due to days missed because of my health. At the start of my employment, I missed a couple of months due to depression and anxiety. A condition which has haunted and tracked me for many years. Some time later, I forget the exact time frame, I experienced a condition known as benign positional vertigo. Essentially this meant that I could not move around very well without feeling exceptionally dizzy or nauseas. This condition and the resulting loss of many work days at the time tipped over the edge my employers perception of acceptable absences. An extremely stressful hearing followed, which I can only imagine is similar to attending a court hearing. I have never attended a court hearing, however, to walk into the room to be faced by the head of service, a senior HR officer, my line manager and their manager was a fairly traumatic event. Facing judge and jury!

Needless to say I did not want to go through this again. Especially as my time lost due to ill health was exponentially worse than in the years previously.

So, here I am. 47 years of age. Of course the perception of ones age is relative. To a 78 year old for example I could be referred to as a mere whipper snapper of a boy! In the same sentence, by an 8 year old, as is my daughter, I am old! When my daughter asks me about my younger days, or things from my past, she has been known to refer to them as the olden days! It makes me smile to think of her relating to my past in this way.

My health issues in a nutshell, although my shell, it would seem is an ever expanding shell! Again, as I said in this piece earlier, these issues are very real and impactful to me as an individual. As a father, and as a husband. On some days I appear to have the mobility of a much older man. On other days, my mobility can return to something more akin to my age. There are days of migraines with visual auras. There are also some days, thankfully not as common as the migraines and mobility issues where diplopia will pay a visit. Double vision to those not in the know! I was one of those most definitely outside the loop of knowing! One positive to come from this experience is I have learnt new medical conditions and the correct terminology for them! Unfortunately I am the subject matter with which these conditions relate to!

One thing I have started to think about more, mostly without realising it, is patience. This thought took me by surprise. Patience I would say, or lack of, is one of my biggest weaknesses, failings, let downs, unattractive qualities. You can pick the description you think best suits. If I don’t understand something, I want to understand it now! If I can’t get to grips with a new process in an employment scenario, I wanted to get to grips with it yesterday! If people don’t get back to me about something in a timely manner, why not? What have I done to deserve this delay? The bane of my life, social media messaging. I can clearly see that the person I have sent the message to has read it, either takes an age to reply, or does not reply at all! Not only is this exceptionally rude, it is disrespectful. I have written a light hearted poem about this called 'Those Two Blue Ticks' which you can find on www.lyricallifedg.com

The people I really care about, generally do reply. Albeit not in my patience lacking expected time frame! I digress, but this may give you an insight into my fears, my lack of self-belief, and default setting of I will fail. I have been working on this in prayer, really trying to trust that Gods hand is on this.

I have even been working on self-compassion with my CBT therapist. You can’ say I’m not trying!!

I think God is teaching me patience throughout all of this. Not only has my world been turned upside down by having to leave long term employment, a global pandemic of an awful disease COVID-19 but also how swiftly my own world has changed in what would seem an instant. I am trying to rationalise this in my own head. I have even caught myself thinking past sins have come back to bite me. I am being punished by God with my poor health. Believe me, catching myself thinking in this way can rip open another whole can of guilt worms for thinking in this way! My brain at times is like a traffic congested gridlocked city. Angry horns blowing, nothing moving. Smog and smoke rising to choke the air. Clear thinking impossible!

But if I take time to look. Really look I can see past the traffic. I can peer through the smog and smoke. I can see the emergency services lane which has to be kept clear. This is my lane to God. To really trusting him, to his plan for my life, in every situation. There are many verses referring to patience and trusting God in the bible. Psalm 130:5 ‘I wait for the Lord, My soul waits, and in His Word I hope’ Romans 12:12 ‘Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer’ John 13:7 ‘You do not realise what I am doing now, but later you will understand’ I didn’t have to search for that long to find these verses. God works in so many ways. These verses were staring me in the face straight away!

The question I have to ask myself is will I get out of my vehicle where I am trapped? The vehicle is my mind. A huge long and heavy articulated truck full to bursting with fear and self-doubt. Will I get out and walk down the emergency lane or will I stay sat behind the wheel where ironically I feel safest? Despite the continual daily battle within myself?

Will I walk against the gridlock surrounding me? Opening myself to the elements? Fixing my eyes on God, filtering out the chaos of the world around me? Ignoring the shouts and sneering voices of self doubt and fear?

You know what? Today I think I will.