The reality of the darkness for me.

So, here I am. Not knowing if I should share on this platform.  I want not sympathy, just a little understanding. This is so deeply personal. For those who know me well will understand that dark times and depression have been an unwanted companion of mine for many years. Some years and times better than others. For someone who could talk the humps off a camel, I find this incredibly difficult to talk about. Which is maybe why I am writing it instead. It feels less daunting I think. To write instead of say.  When you write something, you feel less vulnerable. I don't get to see the glaze over of the eyes, or awkward looks, change in conversation when the subject of mental health is broached. I have been fighting this for so long, I'm not sure I have any fight left. I'm exhausted. My mind it feels, at least for me, has been raging at some inexplicable speed for most of my life. My brain is beyond the back up generator. 

On Sunday 8th December 2019 I hit a wall mentally. I am numb. Inside my head felt stuck on nothing but hopelessness. I wanted to throw in the towel and call it a day.

There appears no reason I can fathom. That's the trick of depression. It catches you unawares. The energy to just function is exhausting. The irony being the numbness, thoughts and noise in your head lead to insomnia, leaving me exhausted with not a lot of sleep. I have no energy to explain to people how I am feeling. Why should they understand? Which, again is probably why I have written this.

This is not just feeling a little low, or that I need to pull myself together. This is inexplicable pure numbness and darkness. 

The mental energy it has taken to appear as people expect me to be is overwhelming. 

And I am sick of hiding it away. The spiral is never ending. The thought of trying to face the world terrifies me to my core. 

I am terrified of the response from my opening up  about my mental health problems.  But I figured that's how it triumphs. By not being spoken about, by not being  dragged kicking and screaming into the light, it wins. 

It can't keep winning. If I can at least help someone else feel less alone, that is something achieved from baring my soul.

You see, that's one of the hideous aspects about it. I have family who love me, but the depression makes you feel so alone. I could sit on a manic station platform, and feel isolated and desolate. 

Again  for those who know me, I have a faith in God. Being a Christian however does not make me immune to this. I believe God has a plan for me  and precisely timed intervention. On my Facebook feed last night came up this.

"Your sense of worth is not based on what you do or what you look like, nor on what others think about you. You are of great value and worth because Jesus loves you so much that he shed his blood for you" 

I don't believe in coincidence. That word I believe was thought of as humankinds excuse to deny the existence of God! My faith although weak at times is real. So is mental health. As real to those who suffer as the device you are reading this on. 

They can feel it, touch it. Sense it with every neuron. Neurons of negativity and despair fired off constantly.

You may have a faith like me, you may not. I don't expect to be judged for my beliefs, just as I don't judge others for theirs. It is their right and free choice. Please don't judge others for their mental health challenges either. The stigma has to end. Especially for men. If by me opening up my deepest darkness can help someone who is also affected by depression, it gives me hope.

I am not perfect, in fact if perfect was the outer edges of the whole universe, I  would be at the other far edge. That's how far I am from perfect. You see, I have this self engrained belief that I have to be, the thought of failure, I hate. Admission of mental health struggles for a man, husband, father, and generally daft bugger who likes to make people laugh is intolerable. I even found it extremely  difficult to tell my wife how I am feeling and she works in mental health and wellbeing! Ok with kids, but, this is me I am talking about! She listened and as always, never judges me.

Please if you yourself suffer, or know someone who does. I beg you, tell someone you trust. If you know a friend or colleague maybe suffering, talk to them. Ask them how they are. Be prepared for an honest answer that you may not want to hear. They may not be ready to answer or open up. If however you sense something isn't right,  just letting them know you care can be lifesaving. 

I can't really lie anymore. I can't give the answer when asked how I am of, "yeah fine thanks" if I'm not.

Their reaction may pleasantly surprise you. I saw a friend today in the supermarket. She asked how I was. For a fleeting moment I was going to say, "yeah fine thanks" However, I didn't. I told her I was in a bad place. She repaid my honesty with her own. She said you can always come over and talk to me, have a cuppa, have a beer. She told me that she didn't know if she could help, but she told me she would listen. That one small gesture of kindness, not being judged or nervously laughing it off gave me hope. 

You may be thinking reading this, "well, I wouldn't laugh it off either, or not take it seriously" great. But, please understand. For someone whose demons have been let loose, are scampering, clawing their way into the dankest shadowy corners to mock them. A reaction such as this is a very real perception. You believe no one will understand. How can they, when I barely understand it myself. So, please understand, this is why it can be so hard to verbalise. For me at least anyway. 

Somehow I have to summon the energy to return to work tomorrow. I have already been absent for 3 weeks following an ear infection. But I know if I don't, the abyss will open up further. For me, my biggest weapons against this are prayer. I cannot do this in my own strength. Also my ability to write about it. Courage. Courage to write this and tell people. 

So that's where I am at. The milk has been spilt. The touch paper lit....

(©) Dom Giddy 2019